I'm baaaack...again

So...I've been thinking alot. And not purging my thoughts. Which makes for more thoughts on top of thoughts. Which makes for a tired brain that just shuts down and works on autopilot. no good.

Subsequently, I'm back to blogging...for now.

So...what's been happening since my last blog? Well, lets's go down the list...

• Work--So far, work is challenging. I have the opportunity to learn and digest and absorb and grow, and I am grateful. I am loving every minute of it. I still enjoy waking up in the morning and reporting to duty despite the difficult times and the enormous amount of energy that this job takes to pull off on a daily basis. Work at this point, is my escape.

• The boys-- So, the boys are doing well...Messiah has survived his first year with the new baby sitter. Although, now I am back where I was this time last year, and am looking for a new daycare for him for this year. The Around the Clock Daycare has served it's purpose...they babysit while the baby needed sitting, but I am definitely ready for Messiah to be challenged and nurtured and engaged. Zion has also survived his pre-k year. This year, he worked on his handwriting, and basic math...so although he gets it confused, he can tell you less than, more than, shorter than, taller than...etc. He is not where I think he can be, but that is also in part my fault. He still doesn't read, and doesn't tie his shoe...and bike riding is still a learning experience for him. But...I will get on my game and he will master those arts BEFORE he reports back to Incarnation in Septermber--oh the dread!

• Marriage-- My hubby and I are in a place. Not a good place, not a bad place...but I guess, a place is a good place to start...so, that's the optimistic spin that I will put on things. After one nonsensicle argument too many, we ended up in therapy. That lasted a few weeks and then came to a screeching halt. I felt that we were going through the motions and not really acting toward a common goal. For me, we were going to therapy for practice. I don't need practice. So, I stopped going. We both have totally different recollections of what our marriage is, and it's hard to fix what you don't think is broken. In other words, despite my saying that we are not ok...he thinks we are. Not saying that this is all his fault, but...I'm just saying. In addition to that...it wasn't a priority. I let Little League be my excuse for why i couldn't go, and he let his thirteen jobs be his excuse for why he couldn't go. My thinking is that if all these unimportant things are more important than fixing the broken...then what are we trying for? More importantly, what am i trying for?

• The Family--I miss my sister, but can't stand to be in the same room with her. I miss her, but never want to see her again. And then there's the mother/daughter dynamic. I was thinking of this last night. And was bothered by it. At my job, we call everything TA. TA=Technical Assistance. I think I missed the whole technical assistance part of my mother/daughter dynamic. I always replay this situation in my head. I was in HS, and we were preparing for a health symposium at my school with some other kids and the PTA moms. One mom asked my mom something about talking to me about boys. My mom's response was "there are some things that I will NOT talk about..." Mom, I needed that TA. I needed to be warned boys and the men that they become. Maybe then, I'd be able to figure out this marriage thing. I joke about it, but i needed quality time with my mom gorwing up. I'm not sure that I got what I wanted. I see my mom and niece go out for nails, and lunch, and spa dates, and i enviously joke about it, but the truth is...I needed that hang out with mom time too. I'm sure there are reasons for why it didn't happen, and I am not knocking/hating/bashing her for it, but it was something that I needed. I think maybe then, I would have found my voice earlier. Now, I've found my voice...but it still lives in my head and won't always come out. I'm angry. I'm angry that my family isn't the supportive type, (aunts, grandmothers, etc). I would love to go back for my masters and know that I'll have help with the kids because my family will watch them, but I don't have that luxury. I'm angry that when my sister and I couldn't get it together, the family didn't step in, yet all had their say in the matter. I am angry that when others need, my phone number is a finger's touch away, but when i was in need, I was told that my phone number was lost. I am angry that my sons will not know half of their relatives. And I am angry that I don't know half of mine. I am angry that I am so angry about the things that I can't control. and I am angry that I am so angry about the things that I can control, but have never spoken about. But, that's a communication issue that I've learned. If you don't speak on it, then it will go away.

• ME--I am a work in progress. Every day I make someone smile. And everyday I make someone angry. It is what it is. I think all the time. So much that it literally hurts. And I lay in bed physically tired from all this thinking. I am a work in progress. Imperfect. But, working on it. I'm back in therapy. Alone.

confused...am I crazy?

Must be, because I am about to quote Dave Chapelle...

I was watching one of my fav shows, "Inside the Actors Studio". Dave Chapelle was the guest. He said something that stuck with me. When asked about being called crazy when he gave up his contract with comedy central and vacationed in Africa...here was his response, "The worst thing to call a person is 'crazy.' It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, they're crazy. That's bulls***."

I feel you Dave. I feel you.

Someone asked me the other day how my hubby felt about me blogging, since a lot of the content involves him. My response was...he has open access to visit my blog at any time, but he usually doesn't/won't. But, I need to blog. I need an outlet. I need to speak. I need to get it off my chest. I need not carry it around....so here goes.

We are fighting. Again. He doesn't know it. Well...he does, but ignorance is bliss. If I am cordial, then in his head, we're cool.

Why are we fighting...we both feel ignored.

He feels like he doesn't come home from work to hugs and kisses and warm cookies and milk--like on tv. And, I feel I don't come home to a sanctuary/soundboard/#1 supporter like Claire Huxtable--like on tv. And neither one of us will budge.

He feels like he has bent over backwards for me. He cooks, he cleans, he's Ward Cleaver in the dad department, he buys me expensive things, he works long hours...perfect perfect perfect. He sees how perfect he is...and is clouded to the many ways that I have bent for him. And admittedly...i am guilty of the same.

I see that I have bent over backwards for him. Waited for him to get the dream job, then held the family down while he was away for months in boot camp. Chose a job based on his career needs. I cook, and clean--well...I straighten. I am Roseanne Conner in the mom department. I don't buy the expensive things that he wants, but I give him what he needs. He doesn't see that. And if he does...I can't tell. Not by his words, at least.

So where does crazy come from? One day at 6pm--when he was ALREADY RUNNING LATE BY AN HOUR--he called to tell me that he was working late and needed me to handle home. I simply asked for consideration. I don't mind the late shifts...it's part of the job. But if you know at 3pm that you will be running late, then don't call me when you already ARE late. I've worked hard too. I need consideration. Please be considerate. Give me some advance notice. If you've been working late three nights in a row...then maybe see if someone can cover you for the fourth night. THAT's all I ask. When I make the request...I am told that I live in make-believe land and am crazy...I ain't gonna get it. Crazy?

When I voice up...and say that I am unhappy, I am told it's my imagination. I am unhappy because I want things that are not real. I should be grateful for what I have and take it as it is. I nitpick. If I am unhappy, it's because I am an unhappy person and there is nothing that he can do to change that. IN FACT, I can't find someone better than him if I wanted to. No one else will put up with me, and I must be crazy to think otherwise. These are HIS words. And, there goes that word again...Crazy?

So...to repeat what Mr. Chapelle says... "The worst thing to call a person is 'crazy.' It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, they're crazy. That's bulls***."

I am not crazy. I just want better. May sound like I am fickle...but it is what it is. I want to be understood, and unignored. Don't dismiss me. Figure me out. I am not complex. Honestly, I am not. I am a simple person, with simple requests...not even demands. Be considerate. I don't need things. You are working 50 million hours for what? We are still broke AND still living in someone else's house. Can we have a real conversation for once. Not single word grunts? Can you be supportive...and not just SAY that you are being supportive?

Does that make me crazy? Does it?

I'm confused...where is my assertivosity?

Ok...everyone knows me. I do not bite my tongue. I tell it like it is. I've lost friends over it...and family...and I'm ok with that. However, people also love me for it. It is who I am, and it's gotten me to where I am today. So why on earth can't I get it together at work?

I am the eyes and ears of the CEO. When she moves, I move...that's what she told me when she interviewed me. So when she gives a directive, it is for me to make sure it happens come hell or highwater (whatever that means). So...why is it that I haven't found my voice at work yet? Why can't I lay down the law? I've NEVER had a problem in that area...until now. Hell, at my last job...my BOSS didn't make a move unless I approved it on most ocassions.

I think it's because I'm the freshman among the upperclassmen. While they don't have more importance than I do--or vice versa--they've been there longer. I know what the problem is...and even when they are talking me out of the directive that I've delivered, I still know what actually NEEDS to be done. But, for some reason...I am frozen.

Any help?

confused about what goes through his brain...

So, just this past weekend, my Zion has said some pretty hilarious things...thought I'd share.

• On Saturday, we were getting dressed to take pictures. Zion asked me who was coming with us. So, I tell him it's a family pic and he asks if daddy was coming too? I said yes. He tells me that he didn't want his daddy to come, and if he did have to come, then he didn't want his daddy to be in the pictures bc "his breath was stink". wtf? Where is the logic in that one?
• On Saturday night...Zion decided to ride Messiah like a pony. This is something that happens quite often in my house, and after various warnings, I popped Zion on the bottom. Not hard enough to make him cry, but hard enough to get his attention. Well, I got it alright. After he calmly got off his little brother, he looked at me ansd said "Whoa...i didn't even see that one coming!", then he ran off to play with something else. I don't think spankings went down like that in my house. lol
• Last night, I was sitting in my den, and I was alone. The kids were playing in their grandfather's room. I started to smell chemicals, so I went to investigate. I realized that Zion was in the same room as i was, but was hiding under a chair...and painting the walls with nailpolish. I tried to remain calm because essentially, it was my fault that he had access to my nailpolish. So, when I asked him why he painted on the wall...he said "Because you left polish here for me to paint!" AND WAS VERY MATTER OF FACT ABOUT IT! needless to say...he got time out because I had to make a point...BUT, how could I not laugh at that.
• Yesterday afternoon, I had a piece of gum. As did Zion. So naturally, Messiah wanted gun too! i gave Messiah a teenie piece. Not enough for him to even taste it, but enough to make him feel like he got something. Zion pushed his eyebrow up...and got in my face, and told me..."Children shouldn't have gum! They can choke! It's only for grown ups and me!"

Where does he get all of this from?

CONFUSED ABOUT DELEGATING

So...in m new role, a part of my responibility it to share my responsibility. I'm not ready for that. I think that is the hardest part of my new job. Knowing when to share.

I think what got me to this point is that I have always been fairly responsible. I have always wanted to claim my own downfall so to speak. If something goes wrong...I want it to go wrong because of me, and not because I directed someone to do it, and they couldn't/didn't handle it.

I am also not a micro-manager...which comes with delegation. If someone to do something, then I expect it to be done. And this applies to EVERTHING that I do...whether it's at home or at work. So...if I ask you to go grocery shopping, I don't want to make the shopping list for you, then check to make sure that what you brought home was the correct thing. At work, If I ask you to do some light filing, then I don't want you to ask me where each individual file should go. With that being said...if I have to give you step by step hand holding directions as you complete YOUR task, then you are stopping me from doing MY tasks, and I therefore, should have just done the job myself. That has always been my feeling.

Today, I watched one of my staff with a chore. That person is new. That person was missing a material that would be required to complete said chore. Instead of figuring out what to do about the missing material, that person just left the job literally sitting in the middle of my floor. That person went on to do another project, as I guess project A will get done by the project fairy. I said nothing. Just observed. Had it been me, I would have tried to figure out where to get the material on my own. And if that is not a possibilty, then I would have spoken up. But...that's just me.

I think the lesson in that is that common sense is not common. Not everyone can just figure it out. I need to embrace that, now that I've learned it. But in embracing that...I also have to realize that I must learn patience--which i do not have. I have to be patient with the husband that sees me bring home the same groceries every other week, but when he goes to the store, he doesn't know if he should get 18 or 24 eggs, Daisy or breakstone sour cream, and what about if they don't have the broccoli soup that I asked for? Should I get mad if he just ditched the soup instead of trying to figure out an alternative? No...patience. I have to be patient with my staff that has been here for decades longer than I have , but still asks me who signs checks in the absence of the CEO...or the staff whose job it is to vacuum, but will only do so when asked to.

In my "mommy head" I want to do it all. Because I know it will get done and be done the way that I want it to be done. But...the lesson is that I have to learn to delegate with patience. UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'M BAAAACK!

I finally remembered how to get back into this thing...so I will be back and in full action soon!...Stay TUNED!

Where I fit in

OK...so week one is done, and I am beginning week two. So for thhose of you that have been asking, here goes...

I am a little fish in a big pond. Akward feeling. I come from small ponds where I was the big fish...so to now walk into a reality where there are fish bigger than me...it is really intimidating.

I've walked into welcoming smiles...and those weird, "if you ever need me..call me", talks. But, I have also been welcomed by the "just remember, you are working for black women...so the welcomes won't last long...", conversation as well.

Where do I fit in? What is my purpose there? What do I bring to the table? What can I take from the table? More confusion to add to my life.

So far, in one week, here is my answer...

I am not sure where I fit in, but once I get my role and the tasks at hand, and my CEO, and am able to make it all my own...I will excel as I have always done. My mom raised me right. If anything, she taught me all about work ethic, so while I am intimidated for now...I will be just fin.

My purpose, is to answer the question that I've been asking myself all year. What now? All through school--both highschool and college, I've been active. I've been in a club, on a committee, or just that go to girl. Then, I let life happen, and I stopped caring. I want to be me again. I am surrounded by active women. Women active in their community, in ther church, at their workplace, in their school. And as they say, when in Rome...So, when I get my first paycheck...NCNW, here I come. I have also joined the PTA. I will learn the ropes with the hopes to become an elected member next year. I am on the fence about the church thing...stay tuned. I have even talked my husband into becoming active. After all, we have lil eyes watching our every step. He has since joined the Faternal Order of Police, will be paying his fraternity dues soon to become an active member, and is looking into joinig another fraternal order.

What do I bring to the table...I am able. 'nuff said.

What can I take from the table...as much as my arms can bear. There are so many divisions and so many lessons to learn. My boss is the type to pull from you what you didn't think you owned. For example, a woman that is a part of the HR department wore an african garment to work. From there, it is now her secondary job to organize the first annual ethnic day for our job. Not something that she thought sh knew how to do...but it is something that was pulled out of her. And for me...my boss knows that I like to plan events. So now, I am helping with the Scholarship Dinner Dance this January, and I will be organizing the Summer Family Picnic. Can I do this? Yes. I am able. 'nuff said.