confused...am I crazy?

Must be, because I am about to quote Dave Chapelle...

I was watching one of my fav shows, "Inside the Actors Studio". Dave Chapelle was the guest. He said something that stuck with me. When asked about being called crazy when he gave up his contract with comedy central and vacationed in Africa...here was his response, "The worst thing to call a person is 'crazy.' It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, they're crazy. That's bulls***."

I feel you Dave. I feel you.

Someone asked me the other day how my hubby felt about me blogging, since a lot of the content involves him. My response was...he has open access to visit my blog at any time, but he usually doesn't/won't. But, I need to blog. I need an outlet. I need to speak. I need to get it off my chest. I need not carry it around....so here goes.

We are fighting. Again. He doesn't know it. Well...he does, but ignorance is bliss. If I am cordial, then in his head, we're cool.

Why are we fighting...we both feel ignored.

He feels like he doesn't come home from work to hugs and kisses and warm cookies and milk--like on tv. And, I feel I don't come home to a sanctuary/soundboard/#1 supporter like Claire Huxtable--like on tv. And neither one of us will budge.

He feels like he has bent over backwards for me. He cooks, he cleans, he's Ward Cleaver in the dad department, he buys me expensive things, he works long hours...perfect perfect perfect. He sees how perfect he is...and is clouded to the many ways that I have bent for him. And admittedly...i am guilty of the same.

I see that I have bent over backwards for him. Waited for him to get the dream job, then held the family down while he was away for months in boot camp. Chose a job based on his career needs. I cook, and clean--well...I straighten. I am Roseanne Conner in the mom department. I don't buy the expensive things that he wants, but I give him what he needs. He doesn't see that. And if he does...I can't tell. Not by his words, at least.

So where does crazy come from? One day at 6pm--when he was ALREADY RUNNING LATE BY AN HOUR--he called to tell me that he was working late and needed me to handle home. I simply asked for consideration. I don't mind the late shifts...it's part of the job. But if you know at 3pm that you will be running late, then don't call me when you already ARE late. I've worked hard too. I need consideration. Please be considerate. Give me some advance notice. If you've been working late three nights in a row...then maybe see if someone can cover you for the fourth night. THAT's all I ask. When I make the request...I am told that I live in make-believe land and am crazy...I ain't gonna get it. Crazy?

When I voice up...and say that I am unhappy, I am told it's my imagination. I am unhappy because I want things that are not real. I should be grateful for what I have and take it as it is. I nitpick. If I am unhappy, it's because I am an unhappy person and there is nothing that he can do to change that. IN FACT, I can't find someone better than him if I wanted to. No one else will put up with me, and I must be crazy to think otherwise. These are HIS words. And, there goes that word again...Crazy?

So...to repeat what Mr. Chapelle says... "The worst thing to call a person is 'crazy.' It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, they're crazy. That's bulls***."

I am not crazy. I just want better. May sound like I am fickle...but it is what it is. I want to be understood, and unignored. Don't dismiss me. Figure me out. I am not complex. Honestly, I am not. I am a simple person, with simple requests...not even demands. Be considerate. I don't need things. You are working 50 million hours for what? We are still broke AND still living in someone else's house. Can we have a real conversation for once. Not single word grunts? Can you be supportive...and not just SAY that you are being supportive?

Does that make me crazy? Does it?