I'm baaaack...again

So...I've been thinking alot. And not purging my thoughts. Which makes for more thoughts on top of thoughts. Which makes for a tired brain that just shuts down and works on autopilot. no good.

Subsequently, I'm back to blogging...for now.

So...what's been happening since my last blog? Well, lets's go down the list...

• Work--So far, work is challenging. I have the opportunity to learn and digest and absorb and grow, and I am grateful. I am loving every minute of it. I still enjoy waking up in the morning and reporting to duty despite the difficult times and the enormous amount of energy that this job takes to pull off on a daily basis. Work at this point, is my escape.

• The boys-- So, the boys are doing well...Messiah has survived his first year with the new baby sitter. Although, now I am back where I was this time last year, and am looking for a new daycare for him for this year. The Around the Clock Daycare has served it's purpose...they babysit while the baby needed sitting, but I am definitely ready for Messiah to be challenged and nurtured and engaged. Zion has also survived his pre-k year. This year, he worked on his handwriting, and basic math...so although he gets it confused, he can tell you less than, more than, shorter than, taller than...etc. He is not where I think he can be, but that is also in part my fault. He still doesn't read, and doesn't tie his shoe...and bike riding is still a learning experience for him. But...I will get on my game and he will master those arts BEFORE he reports back to Incarnation in Septermber--oh the dread!

• Marriage-- My hubby and I are in a place. Not a good place, not a bad place...but I guess, a place is a good place to start...so, that's the optimistic spin that I will put on things. After one nonsensicle argument too many, we ended up in therapy. That lasted a few weeks and then came to a screeching halt. I felt that we were going through the motions and not really acting toward a common goal. For me, we were going to therapy for practice. I don't need practice. So, I stopped going. We both have totally different recollections of what our marriage is, and it's hard to fix what you don't think is broken. In other words, despite my saying that we are not ok...he thinks we are. Not saying that this is all his fault, but...I'm just saying. In addition to that...it wasn't a priority. I let Little League be my excuse for why i couldn't go, and he let his thirteen jobs be his excuse for why he couldn't go. My thinking is that if all these unimportant things are more important than fixing the broken...then what are we trying for? More importantly, what am i trying for?

• The Family--I miss my sister, but can't stand to be in the same room with her. I miss her, but never want to see her again. And then there's the mother/daughter dynamic. I was thinking of this last night. And was bothered by it. At my job, we call everything TA. TA=Technical Assistance. I think I missed the whole technical assistance part of my mother/daughter dynamic. I always replay this situation in my head. I was in HS, and we were preparing for a health symposium at my school with some other kids and the PTA moms. One mom asked my mom something about talking to me about boys. My mom's response was "there are some things that I will NOT talk about..." Mom, I needed that TA. I needed to be warned boys and the men that they become. Maybe then, I'd be able to figure out this marriage thing. I joke about it, but i needed quality time with my mom gorwing up. I'm not sure that I got what I wanted. I see my mom and niece go out for nails, and lunch, and spa dates, and i enviously joke about it, but the truth is...I needed that hang out with mom time too. I'm sure there are reasons for why it didn't happen, and I am not knocking/hating/bashing her for it, but it was something that I needed. I think maybe then, I would have found my voice earlier. Now, I've found my voice...but it still lives in my head and won't always come out. I'm angry. I'm angry that my family isn't the supportive type, (aunts, grandmothers, etc). I would love to go back for my masters and know that I'll have help with the kids because my family will watch them, but I don't have that luxury. I'm angry that when my sister and I couldn't get it together, the family didn't step in, yet all had their say in the matter. I am angry that when others need, my phone number is a finger's touch away, but when i was in need, I was told that my phone number was lost. I am angry that my sons will not know half of their relatives. And I am angry that I don't know half of mine. I am angry that I am so angry about the things that I can't control. and I am angry that I am so angry about the things that I can control, but have never spoken about. But, that's a communication issue that I've learned. If you don't speak on it, then it will go away.

• ME--I am a work in progress. Every day I make someone smile. And everyday I make someone angry. It is what it is. I think all the time. So much that it literally hurts. And I lay in bed physically tired from all this thinking. I am a work in progress. Imperfect. But, working on it. I'm back in therapy. Alone.